Assess the pros, cons and motivations for sustaining a less-than-desirable relationship
Relationships are some of the most complex, important and nuanced things we go through as people. What draws us in to connect with a person or people in an intimate and romantic way differs from situation to situation.
Relationships are a lot of work and can be beautiful if couples realize this work is ongoing and won't remain in the carefree "honeymoon" phase. Those who are determined to make the honeymoon last – due to family traditions, religion, societal pressure and the desire to succeed – might stay in relationships that may no longer suit them and/or are unhealthy. Some of the most common reasons people remain in relationships too long are due to finances; children; or believing they are comfortable with the conflict and chaos, religious beliefs and fear of starting over or being alone. "Until death due us part" are the words among the vows most think about when divorce or breaking up. They might also wonder how others will view them and will the breakup impact my family and friends. It's as though there is more concern with the perception of others than the actual toxicity, misery and overall unhappiness that exists within the couple. I spoke with La Tania Williams Mc Adoo, a couples therapist with Hopeful Expectations Counseling & Consulting Group in Charlotte, North Carolina, about what she thinks are vital aspects for couples she's working with to consider when deciding whether to end their relationships.
You've seriously committed to a minimum of six months to one year of therapy and applied what you've learned to your marriage or committed relationship.
You've learned to effectively communicate, manage conflict, understand each other's perspectives and have given it 110%.
You no longer feel safe emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually.
You've reached conclusions on your own without any outside influences.
One or both partners have had multiple affairs, which have caused you to experience trauma, and you spend most of your time ruminating over the betrayal, feeling anxious and unsettled, and lacking peace.
Your loss of peace is affecting your health and well-being.
People will have many opinions about what they think you and your partner(s) should do when it comes to remaining in or ending a relationship. I believe it's important to make this decision based on what you need and how staying will impact your overall well-being. Yes, leaving will impact your friends, family and others around you, but it doesn't mean the departure must be a negative action. It will be different, scary and hard as hell; however, the alternative can be more detrimental. Knowing when to call it quits is vital, so don't hesitate to contact a professional to assist you and your partner in this decision. Many aspects of your life depend on it.
First published in Black Mental Health Today, Winter 2023 (Vol. 6).