We saw the horrific, gut-wrenching moments unfold on dramatic video and body-cam footage: three Black men – George Floyd, Daunte Wright and Tyre Nichols – crying out for their mothers before dying at the hands of police.
In the depths of despair while taking their final breaths, these men called on the people, who gave them life, to save their lives. They were natural responses to unnatural, unfathomable acts. The men's reactions to extreme trauma and stress tell the larger story of the stronger-than-steel bond between Black men and their mothers. The special connection has been the topic of books, articles and films and often plays out in pop culture. Actor Anthony Anderson, for example, famously features his lively and vivacious mother, Doris, on his TV shows. Tupac Shakur, probably one of the toughest-talking rappers ever, penned a song for his, "Dear Mama." And who could forget the touching tunes "A Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men and "Sadie" by The Spinners? So, what makes the bond between Black mothers and their sons so powerful? And are these bonds always healthy? Experts have layered, nuanced thoughts on the topic. Leaning on the stability of the ‘rock'LaTonya Summers, Ph.D., an award-winning mental health counselor, author and an assistant professor in mental health counseling at Jacksonville University in Florida, said men in a study she recently conducted described their mothers as the "rock" in the family. When the world becomes a scary place, that's the person they seek out first. "Mom is the primary source of support, and she's the first person they think about," says Summers, publisher and founder of Black Mental Health Today. She interviewed Black men 20 to 30 years old for her research. "Mom is that first source of authority, and they're emotional and nurturing. In times of crisis, you want that emotional support." Ann Shillingford, Ph.D., an associate professor of counselor education at the University of Central Florida, shares a special interest in Black men's relationships with their mothers and agrees with Summers. While men often see their fathers as the provider and source of strength in the family, the mother holds a special spot, she says. "Black mothers want to do as much as they can to protect their young boys and men," Shillingford added. "From birth, they believe, ‘I've got to keep him safe. I've got to keep him breathing. I've got to ensure that his life matters – and that he knows that his life matters – despite everything else going on in society.' ''Avoiding pitfalls while accentuating the positive While Summers and Shillingford see the bonds Black men enjoy with their mothers as largely positive, they warn of pitfalls. Too strong of a bond has the potential to disrupt – and even destroy – other relationships, Summers says. For example, if the mother interferes in her son's marriage or relationship with another woman, that's a sign of trouble. In some instances, a mother may use her son as a "surrogate husband" without even being aware of it. "One man in the study said, ‘I call my mama every day,' and one said, ‘I'm married, but my mom is still my emergency contact,'" Summers recalls. "I don't know how healthy that is." She urges men to set boundaries with their moms, and Black mothers should encourage their sons to develop healthy relationships with other women.A mother breaking a son's trust can also prove problematic, Summers cautions. For example, two men in her study spoke of the hurt and trauma they felt when their mothers kicked them out of the house at 18 years old. They didn't understand then why their mothers did so. But the mothers, the men later discovered, said they were only trying to teach independence and self-reliance.
"It was traumatic for the men, and their interpretation was different from what the mothers had intended," Summers says. "These are things that still impact them today, their relationships and how they choose relationships."In another research interview, Summers says, a gay man shared that his mother outed him to family members when he wasn't ready to announce his sexual orientation. "It was just unforgivable, so they had to work to repair that relationship," Summers says. She advises mothers and sons to maintain communication to prevent miscues, misunderstandings and overstepping. Pulling in the men A conversation about mother-son bonds would be incomplete without mentioning fathers. Developing and nurturing the relationship between father and son is important for maintaining healthy bonds between mother and son, Shillingford says. Traditionally, children see the father as the provider and the mother as the nurturer, even when the mother is the breadwinner in the family, she says. But that doesn't mean fathers can't create strong emotional ties with their sons by engaging and talking with them. She suggests mothers encourage fathers to take on some of the nurturing, despite it possibly feeling nontraditional. But that can be a problem if the fathers aren't in the picture, stresses Lenny Springs, founding president of 100 Black Men of Greater Charlotte, a nonprofit mentoring organization for young Black males. "There are too many cases where the mother is the only parent in the home," he says. "So, the mother is the backbone, the stability of the family. The mother is the mother and father."That's something he finds disappointing."Mom is doing the best she can, but it would be most beneficial to have both parents in the household. Mothers can't do it all."Shillingford agrees and sees an opportunity for the larger community to assist. For her, it takes a village to raise up Black men."It often falls on the Black mother to ensure that our males are equipped with what they need to go out into society and feel some semblance of humanness," she said.
First published in Black Mental Health Today, Summer 2023 (Vol. 8).