Many believe we pick our partners based on our relationship with our parents during childhood. Some of the things experienced during these relationships caused harm and pain; others brought happiness and joy. How they play out in during adulthood vary, but they may impact romantic relationships the most.
The wounds experienced during childhood cause us to develop habits, insecurities and hang-ups that can damage our relationships. Sometimes these traits are recognized as unhealthy and cause chaos and toxicity in relationships. Partners, friends and loved ones may even try to point this out, but if someone is not ready to address things, they won’t see it as a positive. This is why therapy may be useful. Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, Imago Relationship Therapy is a form of relationship and couples counseling that focuses on transforming conflict into healing and growth through relational connection.I spoke with Linda Lewter, a certified Imago advanced clinical therapist at Linda Lewter & Associates Counseling, about her thoughts on relationships and how Imago therapy works. According to Lewter, Imago therapy hinges upon the belief that people choose partners like their parents and that marriage is an opportunity to heal childhood wounds. One of the most important things to know about Imago is the individuals within the relationship must come to terms with who they are. Those individuals accomplish this via self-discovery. There are other components of Imago Therapy for couples, but some of the main interventions, according to Lewter, are: Mirroring. Repeating back what you have heard your partner say in order to gain clarification and understanding. Validation: “Recognizing the otherness,” or agreeing that each individual has the right to their opinion. Symbiosis: Attraction to people who are different than us. Empathy: Involves partners putting themselves in each other’s shoes. According to Lewter, this is an intervention that people often omit from the process. Throughout my conversation with Lewter about Imago therapy, I was reminded of the stages of the brain’s development, particularly from birth to age 8, and how what’s happening during this period impacts the formation of habits, morals and values. The questions for couples are whether they are ready to conduct self-exploration, come to terms with who they are and do the necessary work to attain a healthy relationship.
First published in Black Mental Health Today, Summer 2023 (Vol. 8).