The first time Latricia Greene’s adult son moved back to her home in Atlanta, he was in transition. “I felt like he was moving too fast,” says Greene of her son Jeffrey, 24, who had recently gotten engaged.
It was August 2020, the height of a global pandemic, and her son and his new wife were expecting their first child and wanted to save up for a home of their own. So, Jeffrey asked Greene if he could return to his childhood home along with his family. About a year later, Jeffrey and his wife struck out on their own, but in December 2021 they were back at Greene’s house. Jeffrey had resigned from his job as a firefighter – he wants to be an entrepreneur and has started a dog training business — and he and his wife were expecting their second child by then. “It was an adjustment for me to try to make my home comfortable for them and to let them know that this was their home, too,” Greene says. “We talked about the rules of the household.” But Greene knew the conversation had to extend beyond chores, rent and expected behaviors. It also meant making sure her son and his family had a plan for moving out. Greene charged them $500 per adult, per month. Her daughter-in-law assumed cooking duties because she enjoys preparing meals. They each had designated days to do their laundry. Greene made sure her son and his wife understood some things were non-negotiable: Greene would not be taking out the trash and she expected the common rooms to be neat and orderly. Life ‘changed tremendously’Still, the pandemic presented some challenges. Everyone didn’t agree on vaccinations for COVID-19, for example. “Young people didn’t believe COVID existed,” says Greene, who got the vaccine because of underlying medical conditions. Greene also felt the pandemic was part of why her son was back at home. “I am watching how everybody changed tremendously during COVID,” Greene says. “There is a lot of pressure.” Young people want to be independent, but they are not always willing to take the necessary steps to get there. It is not as easy as they think it is. They have to put in the work,” says Greene. In May 2021, a group of researchers studied the growing phenomenon of adults between the ages of 22 and 31 moving back in with their parents. The study, which was launched before the pandemic, explored the dynamics of adult children living at home, but researchers acknowledged the pandemic’s impact on the trend. “People move back in with their parents for a lot of reasons and the trend is increasing due to the COVID-19 pandemic and related to economic woes,” said Lynsey Romo in a statement. Romo is co-author of the study and associate professor of communication at North Carolina State University. The study revealed that framing multigenerational living in a positive light went far in helping everyone manage the situation. Atlanta-based Sydney Royes is a licensed clinical social worker who works with several families whose adult children live in their parents’ homes. She emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and managing expectations. “Establishing good boundaries, physical and emotional, and really clearly defining them is key so both people know what the expectations are,” Royes says. She tells her clients to be proactive in setting expectations for the division of labor, financial responsibilities, behaviors and timelines. Reconciling dreams, realities For the child living at home, positive communication with parents can help overcome the challenges of creating an adult identity during a transitional time, but parents also experience significant impacts when their children return home. “When we bring these little humans into the world, we envision all these wonderful and beautiful things for them, but sometimes life has a way of operating things differently,” says Royes. “We mourn the loss of all the things we had hoped and dreamed for them. We are talking about grief and loss.”
Parents may also get locked in to the role of parenting when living with a child who is a legal adult. That can make it hard for parents to progress through certain milestones as they age, such as becoming empty nesters or entering retirement – a phenomenon that is magnified for Black mothers. “As Black moms, we are going to bend over backwards. It is our greatest fear that our children will end up in a place where we can’t provide them with safety and security,” Royes says. Greene said it was sometimes difficult to accept her children’s chosen paths in life. “My kids are doing the opposite of everything I thought they would do,” Greene says. “That is a harsh reality.” Before Jeffrey returned, Greene was an empty nester. The youngest of her four children had decided to move across the country to live with his father. Greene was approaching 50 and had a lot of different emotions about living alone, but she was adjusting. “I had finally gotten to the point in my life where the house was a little peaceful,” she recalls. “It was kind of cool to just think about myself.” Then she fell and broke her ankle. Greene ended up with two plates and 13 screws in her left ankle. Friends came to help her navigate while her ankle healed, but she was on her own by the time her son called with his request to return home. Having her son at home helped Greene during her recovery but has also unearthed profound revelations. During one conversation, Jeffrey told Greene he realized that being a parent was about so much more than finances. He also prompted Greene to reflect on her own parenting. “Mom, no shots at you, but you were gone a lot,” he said to Greene. “I had nobody to rely on physically. I felt I had to work,” says Greene, a former cosmetologist who once worked long hours. “If I had to do it all over again, I told my kids, I would have worked less” and had more faith that she would find a better way to provide for her children. While she can’t undo the past, Greene does feel they can all help each other by working together as a family now. “I really think in the times we are living in that families do need to come together. Especially if you can respect each other.”Jeffrey got a new job in sales. He and his wife have set a goal of saving $10,000 before moving out again. Greene says she is encouraged by watching them operate on a budget, and she might even assist with child care now that her daughter-in-law is returning to work. Their lives are not the picture she had of them all living close to one another on a family-owned plot of land, but Greene hopes that dream may still come true.
First published in Black Mental Health Today, Summer 2022 (Vol. 4).
